10.30.2016

Do we even Love at all?

Since I keep my gut free of bacteria I have to be diligent that I keep it all killed off so some pathogenic strains don't overgrow.  Often when I slack off for a couple days something like campylobacter crops up and I don't have any symptoms usually other than I just can't sleep.  So I took several different herbs to kill off that and any other common ones that crop up.  Eucalyptus, clove, and ginger.  I was just relaxing and I noticed that all my desires were gone.  I was "content" right where I was.  This is the goal of meditation and eastern religions and what I was probably experiencing was enlightenment.  The state of not wanting, not needing, no desires.  However it wasn't as positive as I had hoped.  It was nothingness, it wasn't bad but it also wasn't good either.  I understood the pointlessness of my existence and just in general.  I realized that even the "good" ambitions that I had were in some way selfish in nature.  Even helping people seemed empty and pointless.  I could see how someone could cross this abyss and become cynical and hateful and come to the conclusion that the only thing that matters is fulfilling your own desires and pursuing selfish ambitions.  But I didn't cross that divide I simply sat on the line.  I realized that if this was all there is everything is pointless.  What is the point of life and existence if all it is is just individuals with their separate wants and desires.  When those wants and desires are stripped away there is literally nothing left.  An individual is just a collection of unfulfilled wants.  Is that really it? Is there nothing more?  Is existence that pointless?  Or are our desires created to make us slaves to an entity who profits from us seeking those desires?  Obviously that entity could be satan and the desires could be created by microbes infecting our bodies.

But if that is all cleared out then what is left?  Nothingness?  Is there nothing besides those wants and desires that could make us something greater?

Well I figure it is love.  Selfless love.  Unconditional love.  Godly love.  But it seems I don't have that.  I couldn't sense any of that in me.  Even my most noble desires like helping people seem to have selfish reasons:  I want to feel like a good person or I want to seem noble or I want the person to think or believe a certain way, etc.  Even my love for my family probably has selfish reasons.  I want them to be healthy and happy but maybe just so I can interact with them.

I don't think I have any actual love in my heart at all.  Just a collection of selfish desires that masquerade as selfless.

In any case I know that real selfless, unconditional, godly, real love must exist in this universe.  I admit that I don't have it to the best of my knowledge.  But I welcome it and I hope I can gain it.  Not as just something to gain but so that my life has more value than just the selfish desires.  And I set my spirit in hope of that.

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